I’m once again doing a look back, a review of the most-viewed posts written in 2019. Y’all have been amazing and even though I write inconsistently (especially this year, which… yikes!), my readership keeps on increasing and increasing! YOU’RE SO AMAZING, THANK YOU! I really apprecaite you hanging with me through everything… I know 2019 was a really rough one. But I have high hopes for 2020, and I have specific goals of writing more consistently, and also providing more Patreon content as well for you badassess who support me there. So stick with me! It’s only getting better. Maybe heavier, maybe darker, maybe realer… maybe lighter, maybe more activist-y, maybe more “an excerpt from my book”ish, maybe more “so my therapist told me”-y, but whatever direction(s) we go, it will only be getting better and better. Are you ready?

So, all that being said, here’s your top 5 favourite entries from last year…

5. Sky Fish, Suicide, and the Importance of Love

Coming in at number 5, a very personal and nerve-wracking piece both to write and share, “Sky Fish, Suicide, and the Importance of Love.”

“[R]ecently I’ve been really meditating on her loss again. It’s been hitting home in a really personal way. How that sort of heartbreak can pull at those deep, deep traumas. Those deep scars that still itch with flashbacks and old lies and abuse. How sometimes one more person tossing you away is just the last little fracture, tapping into the crevasse of ancient pain. And it’s just one little break, but it’s the one that finally destroys the structural integrity, and it’s all over.”

4. Going Back To Therapy

#4 is “Going Back to Therapy,” my piece about making the difficult but really exceptional choice to start going back to see a psychologist again after several years.

“…Complex PTS(D) is kind of a super power. It forms because you went through things FOR YEARS (or, you know, a couple of decades) that were so severe that your brain was just like “holy shit, we’re gonna die,” so it found ways to protect you from it. Which is badass as fuck in the moment, but once you’re out of the situation, it’s time to turn that feature off. But there’s no off switch. And that’s where the trouble arises. That’s where I am. Trying to hack my brain like a computer and write some neuro-code to create an off switch.”

3. Snow Tracks and Gold Cracks

Number three is my most recent piece, another one that’s quite personal… “Snow Tracks and Gold Cracks”

“I keep coming back to this story, or this idea that everyone leaves. One way or another, you know? Everyone eventually goes away, willingly or otherwise, and I’m left alone, abandoned, thrown away, or just sanding with my heart in my hands in a cold, empty alleyway with nowhere left to go.”

2. Alone

Silver goes to “Alone,” yet another very honest piece about illness, therapy, and more.

“[A]s introverted and independent as I am, I don’t want to spend my whole life alone. And as much as I have a hard time really believing it, I think, sick and all, I deserve love and companionship just as much as the next person. I think.

Today is also mother’s day. I’m having a really hard time with it this year. It’s always been an uncomfortable day for me, but this year is extra rough. A year ago last week my biological mother died.”

1. Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive

Your #1 read piece in 2019 was “Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive.” A super honest piece about my experience with chronic illness, disability, and mental health.

“I put on a pretty good front I think, but to be honest I struggle so much to keep my head above water. To keep on keeping on. Not just to pay my bills and thrive in life, to be able to get out of debt and still indulge in coffees and lunch dates, to grow and expand my businesses and find creative new ways to give back and better my community. No no, beyond that. I struggle on a daily basis to stay alive. Let me explain.”

Thank you all so much for such an amazing 2019, with over 1300 unique views from 78 different countries! HOLY SMOKES!

My pieces from 2018 on the Straw Ban and the Evisceration of the American’s with Disabilities Act continue to rank highly as well, so thank you for that (they get honerable mention since they get big numbers and I forgot to do a top 5 last year. Oops!). Thank you all for caring so much about Disability Rights and encouraging me to continue to share my own story and keep yelling at stairs, people parked in access areas, and inaccessible birds and dinosaurs. You’re the best, all of you. Thank you for your emotional support, and your financial support. For following me here, on IG, and Twitter, and also supporting me on Patreon. You all make my world go ‘round. Thank you. Happy new year, new decade. Let’s make it the kindest, most accessible one yet!