Apparently today is the International Day of Self Love. Which is really perfect timing for today’s article.

Facebook reminded me recently that 4 years ago I was working 7 days a week, 16 hours a day at 3 jobs, then coming home and working more on a website for yet another of my businesses, while brainstorming new projects in my “spare time.” I was up at 5 am, hitting the ground running, fueled by coffee until I passed out late at night, often with my computer still open in front of me. I was so proud of my long days, long hours, how hard I worked. And honestly, I accomplished a lot! Before I was 30 years old I had completed my undergrad and masters degrees and started my PhD (I was accepted into multiple universities. SO PROUD!), founded & ran 3 successful companies, created new inroads and connections between the VA, NACC, and TRICARE and local service providers for patient care for veterans, active duty military personnel, and their dependents, sat on multiple boards of directors for local organizations (I was the chair for 2 of them), been both a published author and photographer, as well as a multi-published model and walked runways, had my paintings displayed in galleries and sold to patrons, had performed in over 50 stage productions, helped run a gallery, lectured a bunch of times including at our state capitol, wrote programs and course material, taught dozens of classes, worked doing hospice, volunteered for some amazing programs, and a bunch of other stuff that I can’t remember anymore. I also moved several times, got married and divorced, was a part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program (my Little and I are still BFFs. She’s so amazing, omg), trained for a 5k, learned to ride a motorcycle, and managed my mental health issues and trauma, as well as my ever-declining physical health/illnesses.

And you know what? That’s kind of fucking badass! I’m absurdly proud of everything I accomplished. But you know what? Those kinds of hours are ridiculous and unhealthy. I would say unsustainable, but I sustained them for years and years! But not only did I eventually crash, burn out, but it took what little was left of my health with it.

I’ve been talking with my therapist a lot over the past year or so about my struggles with feeling like my value is found in what I can do, what I can produce, how much I can make, rather than it being something that is inherent to me. And that’s really tough. Due to trauma or whatever else, that’s a pretty new concept to me. My own idea of my value or worth has always been directly tied to what I do. I mean, think about it. From a kids perspective, why would a child get beaten, assaulted, abused if they hadn’t DONE something to deserve it? And then you work really hard to be good to be treated nicely in return. Therefore, by younin’ logic, your value is in what you do. Because if I was just inherently valuable as a person, then why? Why… everything? So kid logic said that obviously value and respect is hard earned, and that’s just something that got ingrained early and I’ve carried with me. On the up side, it’s made me an incredibly hard worker, exceptionally dedicated, always pushing boundaries, and my personal bar is WAY high. But on the other hand, it means that as my health has gone down hill, as degenerative conditions do, I am able to do less and less. And as I can do less, I’ve had to grapple with “oh no! I’m losing my value as a person! What am I contributing to society, to my friends, to my partners, to the world, if I can’t work 100 hours a week and innovate new things and build empires and showcase art 40 times a year? WHO EVEN AM I?!” And in comes the therapy.

I sat with my therapist this morning, as I do every Wednesday. I talked to her, on the verge of tears, about an amazing opportunity I had that I ended up having to turn down because, amongst other things, my health just wouldn’t allow it. And I felt so awful! I felt like I was letting down my friend who I was supposed to be seizing this opportunity with. I felt like I was missing out on what could be my last chance to do something like this ever again, as my health, let’s face it, isn’t getting better. And I had to once again sit and feel all those things, work through all the feelings about what my physical and mental health won’t let me do, and how some of those things are real factual things, and some of them aren’t. Like… I physically am unable to do some things now. It’s just how it is. But that doesn’t mean I am a bad friend, or am not a valuable person, or am somehow broken, or don’t deserve to be happy. But working through those things is HARD! It’s 30 years of conditioning I’m having to work against, plus societal nonsense, that ableist, capitalist idea that you are worth what you produce. When you can’t produce much, or comparatively as much, where does that leave you?

This is one of the bigger things my therapist and I have been tackling as of late. Not just this one situation, but the way my health, physical and mental, have been so deeply tied to my concept of self worth over the course of my entire life. And how that’s shaped everything. Trying to learn to love and value yourself outside of what you do is… really unnatural! It’s requiring me to develop a whole different set of muscles that I have never once before used. While I may not have experience loving and valuing myself just for being me, I do have nearby skills I can pull from… that is, I don’t love anyone for what they do. My friends, lovers… I don’t give two shits what they do. I mean, some of them have amazing jobs, and I’m super proud of them! But if that all went away it wouldn’t change the way I felt about them in the slightest. I don’t love my friends because of what they do. I don’t care. They aren’t valuable or worthy in my eyes because of what they do or what they accomplish. I love them all because of who they are. Their inherent magic, value, beauty, wonder. As a researcher, I have the skillset to look at something, learn from it, and apply it to something else. It’s what I do. So why not apply that to my personal life?

It’s not entirely in my head or the shittiness of capitalism, though. I have had people tell me how I deserve to be disabled. How I am a drain on society. How I don’t try hard enough. How my existence is destroying the environment. I had a partner (who I loved so, so much) tell me we shouldn’t be together because they might possibly someday decide that they want kids and I likely can’t have them naturally, so they figured they should find someone… better. Another former partner went on to remarry and have kids with someone else, and upon the birth of their first child he told our mutual friends that he “dumped me because I couldn’t have kids.” Which wasn’t at all the reason for the dissolution of our relationship, but oh wow, it didn’t make that comment hurt any less! On the other hand, there’s the weird inspiration porn side of things. The “oh my gosh, good job opening that door sweetie!” “Oh wow, you drove yourself all the way here? You’re such an inspiration!” “You work a job? I-N-S-P-I-R-I-N-G!” That is not only super disgusting and patronizing, but also weirdly reinforces the idea that your value is in the things you do. Like… am I worthless on the days I can’t drive myself places? How about as I can’t work as much? And holy hell, the forever argument about a woman’s value around having children. Add in the disability/chronic illness layer, especially when you’ve received direct rejection from partners, that is just amplified. And finding self-worth in the swamp of all of this a huge fucking challenge! And a brand new one, for me. But, I don’t know… I think I’m up for the fight.

Nine months ago I tried to kill myself. Unsuccessfully, obviously. There was a lot going on and a lot of reasons for it. But if you boil it down, it comes down to a few things: mental health issues, side effects to medications, devastating heartbreak, and this very issue we’ve been talking about… not being able to find value in myself as I was watching everything I had worked so hard for slip through my fingers. For the past year, but very much for the past 6-9 months, I’ve been really, really working on this. My therapist is so amazing, so gentle but firm with me, guiding me to help me address these very old, deep rooted issues. Dealing with childhood abuses, adulthood abuses, these negative narratives that have become so ingrained they are basically a part of my DNA at this point. The end goal is to learn to love myself and see my value as inherent. But baby steps. To start with, let’s try “I inherently deserve to be alive, maybe even happy,” and build from there. It’s a process, and even making the first steps is some pretty badass selfcare and self love, if I do say so myself.

So what am I doing to advance this worthy goal? Eh, heck. I don’t really know. I go to therapy every week, and I listen to what my therapist has to say and implement it in my life. I do my homework, as it were. I try to take care of myself, practice good self care. And I remind myself while I’m doing it (or when I’m trying to weasel out of doing it) that I am worth taking care of just because I am. I don’t need an excuse to take care of or spoil myself. I’m not worthy of love just when I accomplish something big. I’ve gotten really into bullet journaling, which is helping me keep track of things better, which is very affirming in a lot of way (different post for a different day). I am trying to listen to some positive/nourishing content every day, in addition to educational/entertaining stuff. And very importantly, I am surrounding myself with amazing people and setting very good and very firm boundaries with people.

Because, newsflash!
I am worthy of love and am inherently valuable, just like everyone else.
Even if I can’t work/can’t work much.
Even if I have bad mental health days.
Even as my disability gets worse.
Even if I can never have children.
Even if I have to go on disability.
Even if I am single, partnered, or in non-traditional relationships.
Even when I am in pain.
Even when the brain fog is so bad I can’t keep words straight.
Even when I’m struggling just to finish my PhD.
Even when I can barely make ends meet.
I am worthy of love and am inherently valuable. If I can see and love that in everyone else, I can work on seeing and honouring that in me, too.

#Goals2020