As I’ve established before, I don’t do “New Year’s Resolutions.” Instead, I tend to do a theme for the year. Some overarching topic, idea, or concept that I want to focus on or incorporate into every day of my year. Something I want to work on long-term versus some singular resolution that I can so easily slip up on and then totally disregard, falling into the statistical likelihood of New Year's resolutions. I like the broadness of an intention as it leaves room for flexibility as life changes, and focuses more on who I am and who I am becoming as a person, and less on the little nitpicky details of my life. It’s what I have found that works best for me.
Last year I focused on radical authenticity and the nature of duality. Really getting in touch with who I am, and how I can be many things at the same time, and how they can all be valid if I’m standing in my truth (oh gosh, I sounded so fucking crunchy right there). 2019 was a horrendously hard year, as I touched on a few posts ago. I went through some of the most trying events of my life. I barely made it through it all. But looking back, every one of those moments was, and honestly, every single moment of my life is an opportunity for me to chose who I want to be. Whether I am going to chose to live boldly and authentically or whether I am going to hide my light, my shine, my unique, weird brand of awesome to try and please others. I’ve done so much of that over the years, for a variety of reasons, and I’m honestly done with it.
I spend a lot of time talking with my therapist, as you may have gathered. Recently, and now that I am taking the time to verbalize it, for many months we have been talking a lot about boundaries. And that’s something I've been meditating on, studying, and trying to implement in my life for years. I touched on it in some New Year’s entry or another in years past. But I keep having to come back to it, and come back to it, and come back to it, just over and over again. Keep re-visiting the concept of boundaries in my life. There is absolutely no such thing as a healthy relationship in life, of any variety, without healthy boundaries. Like a bad penny, it's a topic that keeps coming back. In part, that’s because it’s such a huge and important issue that affects every single relationship in our lives, but it’s also in part, I think because I was missing a piece. Many pieces, I’m sure, but one, in particular, has come into focus for me this year though therapy and the events of this past year and has brought me to this year's intention.
I went through a hard time, had my heart broken pretty terribly, and was feeling so dejected. I was struggling to find my footing, to feel okay about myself, to feel okay even existing. My amazing girlfriend sent me this song by Demi Lovato called “Sorry Not Sorry,” which is a super “fuck you, I’m amazing, your loss” song but which also honestly did make me feel a lot better if for on other reason that my friend thought of me when she heard it. But it also got stuck in the back of my brainpan. This idea of being my best, my strongest, my healthiest and not being apologetic for it. And then some things, unrelated, happened that made me focus again on boundaries, that made me re-enforce some pretty basic but important boundary lines that I had in place and, as I received harsh pushback, as I got accused of being a bad, unkind, bitter, angry, hateful, intentionally harmful person I thought “Baby I’m Sorry (I’m not sorry).”
Sorry, not sorry… I have boundaries in my life so I can have healthy relationships with people.
Sorry, not sorry… I have boundaries so I don’t get hurt.
Sorry, not sorry… I have boundaries so you don’t get hurt or so I don’t over-promise and under-deliver and let you down.
Sorry, not sorry… I have boundaries because I only have so much to give.
Sorry, not sorry… I have boundaries!
My theme for 2020, in case you haven’t figured it out, is “Sorry Not Sorry.” It grows very naturally out of last year’s authenticity work. Just being who I am, liking what I like, living the lifestyle I live, and having the boundaries I have without apology. There are a lot of things in life to be sorry for, like when you hurt someone, or make a mistake, or generally fuck up. Apologies and being sorry for your actions, words, and behavior are incredibly important! But being sorry for your boundaries, your preferences, who you are? Fuck that!
So in addition to trying to get more organized, trying to finish my doctorate, trying to take it a little easier on myself, wanting to make more art, read more books, work on finishing writing a book… all things I’d love to do this year, my overarching intention that has its fingers in all those things is “Sorry not sorry, baby!” especially when it comes to boundaries. Living boldly, authentically, and with absolute, overwhelming kindness.
So to circle back to a few paragraphs ago, no matter how much time I spent learning about and meditating on the idea of boundaries, without the idea of “sorry not sorry” to go along with it, it was just “boundaries until you can guilt me out of them.” And that’s just basically boundaries unless you’re a convincing enough abuser. Which, honestly, is worse than no good. It means I have boundaries for the people who only kind of need them, and leave myself open to the people who really need boundaries most of all. So here’s to a new year, a new decade. Full of healthy relationships, reasonable work schedules, beautiful creations, lots of critters, better organization, and hopefully a Dr before and an ND after my name. BABY I’M SORRY ( I’M NOT SORRY)! Cheers!